A Play, by Benjamin
We had arrived at Kanalia heliport on the island of Kauai. It was a beautiful day with a slight breeze blowing toward the Napoli range. The tops of the Napolis were shrouded in cloud cover.
There were 4 of us plus the pilot making it 5. My wife, Carole, myself and another couple (guest). The pilot was Captain John 'Hooch' Perkins. Hooch was a swarthy crusty 60 year old who had flown in 'Nam back in the mid-sixties.
Carole and the couple eagerly boarded and strapped in. I continued standing on the helipad searching for metal fatigue and leaking juices. Hooch looked at me and asked if I were boarding.
I was nervous as chit.
I boarded and the blades began to whirl. Up we go sashaying a bit to the left and then right. The noise was deafening and Hooch told us to put on the headsets in front of us. Hooch spoke into our headsets.
Let's loosen our bowels a bit and join this venture that probably will not soon be forgotten.
Hooch: (Headset crackles) Folks! Our flight plan is going to be a little different this time.
Benjy: Why.
Carole: (Slugs Benjy on the thigh and puts finger to her lips) Shush!!
Hooch: Not to worry flyboy!! I've got over 1200 hours of flight experience, including my time in Viet Nam. The better part of this 40-minute excursion is we don't have Charlie Kong shooting at us. Instead of normally crossing the onomatopoeia canyon and up over the Napoli range; we are going to explore the canyon a bit on the eastern side of the ridge. We will descend a bit and hopefully the cloud cover over there will burn off by the time we ascend.
Group takes out there cameras and begin clicking. Benjy's eyes are glued to the dashboard.
Benjy: You gotta whole bunch of green lights flashin there Captain!! What the hell?!!
Hooch: Relax homeboy!! If they flash red then you can start worrying. (Hooch to Carole): You hooked up with a brave soul there, sister.
As the helicopter approached the canyon Hooch violently dipped the machine to the left, and then to the extreme right. The rate of the speed and descent was increased incredibly.
Hooch: Yo Baby!! That's wotimmatalkinbout!!! This is my Bird and it handles beautifully!!
Benjy: (Unbuckles strap n leans forward) Red Light!! Effin Red Light!! MayDay!! May . . .
Hooch: (Cuts Benjy off) Buckle your damn strap wing nut!!!
Carole reconsiders for the 4000th time why she ever married Benjy.
Hooch: Folks!! Look below. This is where Jurassic Park was filmed. Who wants to go lower?
Guest: We do! We do!!
The copter was at about a 1000 feet when discernible movements took place on the ground.
Benjy: Holy Crap!! Dinosaurs!!
Hooch: Yes Sir!! Animatronics at its finest!! Let's go lower and y'all can get some pictures.
Guest: Yippie!!!
However . . . as the whirling machine descended another 500 feet, the pre historical beings acted very very strangely . . . the brontosaurus stopped eating treetop fruit an gazed upward and then galloped off. The Tyranasaurus Rex started running in haphazard circles and looking askance at us.
Benjy: Chit!! They are real!!!
Hooch: Chit!! I think you're right!!
All of a sudden a downward shaft of warm wind pushed against the helicopter's lyft and we all found ourselves within 16 feet of the ground. Hooch is struggling with sticks and foot pedals. The engine emits a high pitched tone. Hooch is sweating profusely now.
T Rex is less than 25 yards from us and appears less addled at our noisome presence. His stature is now higher than our blades. He cautiously approaches us.
Benjy: Maybe our blades will decapitate him Hooch!!
Hooch: Don't bank on it flyboy!!
All of a sudden there's movement in front of us. About 50 or 60 soldiers with red bandannas on their scalps emerge from the sylvan splendor. They are armed with single shot rifles and they start shooting at us. Bullets ping at our metal covering and dash cracks upon front windshield.
Hooch: Khmer Rouge!!!
Guest: What a fabulous display this all is!!! So real, isn't it honey?!! Why do they call it Commere Rouge?
Carole: Name comes from the French who started the Viet Nam war and passed it on to us in the early '60s under Kennedy. Hence the red bandannas.
Carole always the smart one - - -
Hooch continues to wrestle with the controls as the downward shaft of wind fails to relent, preventing lyft. The helicopter sways back and forth with inexorable high-pitched scream, now hovering only 10' above the ground. The assault intensifies.
Hooch's eyes become mad with animation and he lets out a maniacal laughter. He opens a plastic cover, pulls a lever and presses a black button.
Hooch: Come n get me u Charlie Bastards!!
Two 50-caliber guns on both sides underneath protrude and Hooch holds button down. Both guns erupt and seriously vibrate the helicopter. The marauding soldiers are literally cut in half. Bodies explode into bloody mists. Many dive for cover but the firing helicopter sways slowly to the right and left decimating banyan trees and other shrubbery, revealing more of Charlie and perforating Charlie.
Meanwhile, our old friend T Rex loves this new toy, approaches more to about 7 yards. Benjy sees a Glock tucked near the busy Captain's lower back, grabs it, opens side door and empties half the clip of 14 bullets at the hideous beast. When T Rex got within 15' of the helicopter he opened his mouth, and Benjy fired the remaining shells into Rex's mouth. This brought the thing down to a state of writhing on the canyon floor. Immediately, a stegosaurus came bolting out of Paradise and at top speed, impaled T Rex in the guts!!
Guest: O my . . .
Benjy: Captain!! Port Side!! More soldiers at 20 clicks!!! Gimme another clip!!! I'm out!!!!
Hooch: (Laughs uproariously) You even know what a click measurement is soldier??!! Hold One . . .
Hooch manages to navigate helo to face new onslaught, button down on the machine guns and chews up bodies, beasts and terrain.
Some paradise huh.
The wind changes and we ascend in circular fashion, up and over the Napolis and out over the beautiful Pacific.
Hooch: We got enough to get back to base. Hooch fires up Hawaiian Gold joint and passes it back. He cranks up Jim Morrison's, The Doors, "Light My Fire".
We land safely. We exit and Hooch summons me over.
Hooch: Damn pleasure serving with you Wing Nut!! You got guts boy!!
Benjy: It was an honor serving under you sir!! Both embrace n step back facing each other. Both salute each other. Benjy holds salute until the superior drops salute first.
Benjy and Carole drive back to Hanaleigh in silence. She thinks . . . maybe he's not such a weak sister. ..just wish he would be willing to bag groceries or something when we get home . . .
--End of Play--
